Felix Salten Is The Enemy

Felix Salten was the author of Bambi: A Life In The Woods.  This book, of course, was the basis for the Disney movie Bambi.  I think every child in America sees Bambi before the age of 5, thus ensuring a lifelong love of deer and a belief that deer are innocent creatures that need to be protected from the evils of Man.  What a complete crock.  Here's what Felix didn't tell us in his story.

• Deer are evil and spiteful mind-readers.  They spy on you from the safety of the woods as you admire your landscaping.  Using a sixth sense that man has not yet figured out, deer determine which plant is your favorite (for me, it's lilies).  They then make that plant their preferred food source.  As if that's not bad enough, they wait til the plant blooms, give you a single day to enjoy that bloom, and then spend the next night feasting on it.  You wake up the next morning and every one of your lily blooms has been munched down to the stalk.  It's almost like they were never there in the first place and you start to question your own sanity.
• Deer don't play fair.  Knowing that you really want to keep your favorite plants safe, deer convince master gardeners that they'll stay away from plants that have been repeatedly sprayed with foul-smelling Liquid Fence.  Those master gardeners then convince you to spend large amounts of money on Liquid Fence, swearing to you that it will save your plants.  Because you're desperate, you start religiously treating your plants with Liquid Fence.  Once a week, at dusk, you prowl your yard, spraying Liquid Fence on all your prized plants.  You pretend you don't notice when the stinky concoction (it basically smells like rotten eggs mixed with urine) blows back on you while you're treating the plants.  You even put up with your dogs vomiting after they lick the Liquid Fence off the plants.  Worst of all, because you're a man, you're not allowed to cry when the Liquid Fence fails to do the job and the deer still eat your plants.
• Deer try to kill you.  They're too cowardly to do this on their own.  Instead, they recruit deer ticks to join them in their effort.  After subjecting the ticks to a rigorous training regimen (which consists primarily of teaching the ticks to surreptitiously climb up your leg and embed themselves in your groin and then escape detection for 48 hours), deer select the best and the brightest of these ticks and make them carriers of Lyme Disease.  Then, they release the ticks to wreak havoc.  So far, they've gotten me twice this year.

For all these reasons, let's rally together to ban Bambi from all public libraries.  When you propose this at your next town meeting, you may get some funny looks.  Trust me, though.  It's the right thing to do.