How are you enjoying your day off from work today? You didn't seem too happy about it yesterday afternoon when you realized that your work week was being cut from 4 days to 2 but, now that you got to sleep in this morning, maybe you've realized that it's not such a bad thing after all. Kind of like a snow day, right?
I miss the good old days, when you were on top of the world with your unique combination of domination and arrogance. Unlike your fellow competitors, who seemed almost terrified by the thought of winning, you refused to accept failure. It was great fun to watch. Seems like a long time ago, I'm sure.
Unfortunately, like Austin Powers, you've lost your mojo. I've got a couple of suggestions that might help you get it back.
- First, lose the facial hair. It's never been a good look for you and that's not going to change. I know Gillette dropped you as a spokesperson but I'm sure you've still got a ton of free razors laying around the house. Pull one of them out, fill up the sink with warm water, put on the shaving cream, and get rid of that mess.
- Second, get a real caddy. It's been hard to be a Tiger apologist over the past 20 months. You haven't exactly set a good example for my kids. It would be easier if you dumped the "best friend" who's been moonlighting as your caddy for the past 2 weeks. You see, if he's really your best friend, then he knew you were cheating on Elin. Hanging around with him in private is bad enough but publicly parading him around with you on the golf course is really pretty tough to watch.
- Next, get a new agent. Just read the bullet right above this one in case you're wondering why I'm suggesting this to you.
- You're going to have to suck it up and realize that you're not a very good golfer right now. You can go home to the practice range and putting green at the new estate in Florida but what you really need is competition. Unfortunately, you're not good enough for the FedEx playoffs. However, there's something on Tour called the Fall Series. It's for guys at the back of the pack who are scrambling to finish in the top 125 on the money list. You've never had to worry about that before so you might think that the Fall Series is not for you. But, let me break it to you -- you're one of those guys now. Go play the Frys.com Open and the McGladrey Classic. I know -- they're not "prestigious" and they don't have strong fields. I don't care. You need to hit shots when it counts.
- One more thing -- kick the swing coach to the curb. You don't need a swing coach. I know you've had knee problems throughout your career and you say that the changes in your body require changes in your swing. Arnie says your wrong. Jack says your wrong. So do I. Just trust yourself.
Your friend,
Mike