"The Dilemma" was a poorly-reviewed Ron Howard movie starring Vince Vaughan and Kevin James. It was released last year to middling box office results. The premise of the movie was that a guy finds out that his best friend's wife is having an affair. His "dilemma" is whether or not to share that news with his friend. I have no idea what he does because I never saw the movie.
I bring this up because today I faced my own dilemma. I spent the day in a meeting in Hartford. We had food brought in so that we could continue our discussion during lunch. The lunch was pretty straightforward -- a tray of sandwiches, a green salad, a bowl of pasta salad, chips (salt!), and cookies. It all seemed pretty harmless. I ate my fill and thought nothing of it -- until I got to the airport.
I arrived at the airport about an hour before my flight departed. As I sat at the gate going through e-mails, I realized that I needed to fart.
When I need to fart, there is no stopping me. If I hold it in, my stomach starts to feel like someone has reached inside and is jabbing pins into my intestines. That's no fun. Why bother with that pain? So, I let it out. It's what God intended, I tell myself. Generally speaking, it doesn't even matter where I am. I've become pretty good at the silent fart. And, I've got about a 90% success rate at getting away with it without any detection whatsoever, if you know what I mean.
One memorable exception happened years ago when the kids were younger. We were out on a Saturday night, waiting for a table in the crowded entryway at Red Robin. I needed a release and figured I could get away with it in all the hub-bub. So, I let one out. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't silent. The nice young suburban mom standing in front of me immediately turned around with a look of dismay on her face. What she saw wasn't me with a sheepish look on my face. No, she saw me staring at Nick with a mixture of shame and disgust on my face. I turned to catch her eye, glanced back at Nick, and just shook my head. She smiled as if to "Those kids just do the darnedest things." I smiled back. "Well played," I told myself.
Anyway, back to my dilemma this afternoon at the airport. I looked around. I was kind of early so there weren't that many people at the gate yet. "Here goes," I thought and let one go. That was better. No one appeared to notice. A minute or two later, I realized that I still had gas. "I can get away with this again," I figured. How right I was. In fact, I was right about 10 more times while I sat there waiting for the plane to show up at the gate.
So, if you were at Gate 6 at Bradley International Airport this afternoon waiting for Southwest Flight 703 to BWI this afternoon, I apologize. But just a little.
