One of my favorite movies from the 1980's is "Better Off Dead." In the movie, John Cusack (the best actor of my generation) stars as Lane Myer, a teen-ager who just can't seem to catch a break. His girlfriend dumps him to date the captain of the high school ski team. Suicidal after the break-up, Lane makes several attempts to kill himself, each more comical than the next. In the midst of his suicide attempts, Lane falls for the French foreign exchange student who is staying with the fat mama's boy next door. It's a goofy movie but I've seen it multiple times and it still holds up well.
There's a recurring part in the movie where Lane is terrorized by the local paperboy, a pre-teen runt on a dirt bike. The paperboy constantly appears out of nowhere, often at very inopportune times, to try and collect his $2. As a former paperboy, I always loved this part. The paperboy's mantra of "I want my $2" is one of my all-time favorites.
I've been reminded of the paperboy quite a bit lately as I've been in pursuit of some money of my own. You see, we're in a new-fangled health plan. My employer (who shall remain nameless) has put a slew of restrictions and requirements on the entire family. In order to pay the lowest amount for our health insurance, we're given all sorts of "assignments." To earn premium credits that reduce the amount we pay every two weeks, we track each and every minute of exercise that we perform. We keep track of what we eat, how much sleep we get, and how many times a day we brush and floss. We take health risk assessments once a year. We "swear" that we don't smoke cigarettes and that we drink alcohol only in moderation. The list goes on and on.
In addition to all this voluntary reporting, we were given one other opportunity to get an extra $50 per month off our premium. In order to earn this credit, Kim and I had to undergo biometric screenings. This meant that we each had to make a visit to Quest Diagnostics to have our body mass, cholesterol levels, blood pressure, and blood glucose levels measured.
Both Kim and I had the screenings done in early December. My results made it to the payroll department in no time and, sure enough, I started seeing an extra $25 in my paycheck each month. Pretty neat. I was happy. But, what about the credit for Kim's test?
Kim's screening results were sent to us at home shortly after her test. One month went by and there was no corresponding credit for Kim's test in my paycheck. That's when my phone calls started. I know $25 isn't a lot of money but, by golly, we'd earned it (or, at least, Kim had). One phone call. Nothing. Two phone calls. No money. Three phone calls. Still, no money. By now, we were into month two. I'm pretty sure that meant that we were owed $50. Four phone calls. Still nothing.
This was getting ridiculous. I thought that the purpose of all this health and wellness stuff was to teach us the importance of things like keeping your blood pressure under control. But, going without my $50 was having the opposite effect.
Finally, this afternoon, I got an e-mail from HR. "Check your secure mailbox," it said. Eagerly, I went to the HR website and checked my mailbox. What do you know? Kim's test scores had arrived and we would begin receiving her monthly credit.
My guess is that HR now thinks I'm happy. If so, they're wrong. As best as I can tell, we're still out two months of credits. I still want my $50. This former paperboy might ride his dirt bike all the way up to Hartford to get it.