Why Him?

Imagine just for a moment that you're Prince Charles.  You've had your ups and downs in life.  First, you had to go through a very public divorce with Diana.  Then, Diana died.  When that happened, you saw first hand how your entire country loved her so much more than they loved any of the other royals, including you.  As if that weren't bad enough, your darn mother just won't go away.  As long as she's around, you'll never be King of England.  Never.

Despite all that, things haven't really turned out that bad.  You married Camilla, the woman of your dreams.  Now, you're about to be a grandfather.  Life is pretty good.

Until ... you find out that today, just over the pond in the Netherlands, Willem Alexander somehow convinced his mother to abdicate her throne.  That's right.  Willem Alexander, all of 46 years young, is now the King of the Netherlands. 

Who knew that the Netherlands even had a royal family?  Before today, the only things I knew about the Netherlands were that they're really good at speed skating, their soccer team woefully underperformed at Euro 2012 (thanks for nothing, Arjen Robben), and they can't decide if they want to be called the Dutch, Holland, or the Netherlands.

In any event, Willem Alexander is now the youngest monarch in Europe.  Poor Prince Charles.  You know what makes it even worse for him?  While he's married to a woman by the name of Camilla, that young rascal Willem Alexander is married to a woman named Maxima.  Queen Maxima.  Is that the perfect name for a queen or what?

Thank God Some Things Never Change

The NFL draft wrapped up today.  The draft has always been a big deal in our house, largely because of Nick.

Nick loves the NFL draft.  Each year, he would wait for it as eagerly as most kids wait for Christmas morning.  In the months leading up to the draft, he religiously followed Mel Kiper's prognostications, diligently absorbed all the combine stats, and knew exactly which players would best fit the needs of the Ravens.  Then, as the big day drew closer, his excitement would build.

Once the draft started, you couldn't drag Nick away from the television.  As soon as the telecast would start, he'd wait patiently for the Ravens to be on the clock.  When it finally came time for the Ravens to make their pick, he'd rise from the couch and stand up about 3 feet from the television.  He'd sway back and forth, waiting to hear the draftee's name announced.  Then, as soon as he heard who it was, he'd either whoop with delight or moan in despair.  I'm telling you, there was nothing like watching the draft with Nick.

This year, he wasn't at home to watch the draft.  Neither was I.  I was traveling on Thursday night, all alone in a hotel room in Virginia Beach.  As the draft started, I thought of Nick.  I wondered if he was still as fascinated with the proceedings as he used to be.  My guess was that he had finally realized that there were better things to do than sit around watching a glorified version of what we all used to go through as kids on the playground when teams were picked for kickball.  As the night wore on and I didn't hear anything from him, I sadly concluded that my son had finally grown up.

I was having a hard time falling asleep.  The Bills had traded back in the first round but I decided to stay awake to see who they would pick.  Just after 10:15PM, they finally made their selection.  It was E.J. Manuel, the quarterback from Florida State.  "Seems fine to me," I thought to myself and prepared to turn off the light.  Just as I reached over to do that, my phone buzzed.  It was a text from Nick.  "Gutsy pick," was all it said.

It wasn't quite the same as watching with him.  But, it was close enough.

Reese vs. Rolando

In one corner, we have Reese Witherspoon, the 5' 1" Academy Award-winning actress, best known for her timeless comedic role as overachieving Elle Woods in everyone's favorite movie about Harvard Law School, "Legally Blonde." 

In the other corner, it's Rolando McClain, the underachieving 6' 4", 260 pound, former first round pick of the Oakland Raiders, recently signed by your Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens.

What do these two have in common?  Well, both were arrested for disorderly conduct over the weekend.  Let's play a little game with that.  Here's how it works.  I give you a fact about the disorderly conduct arrest and you tell me who's arrest it was, Reese's or Rolando's. 

Here goes:

• Question #1: For which contestant was it the third arrest in 18 months?
• Question #2: Which contestant, upon being told to get back in the car, proudly said "I'm an American citizen and I have the right to stand on U.S. ground?"
• Question #3: Which contestant came up with the always good "Do you know who I am?" line shortly before being arrested?
• Question #4: Which contestant finally got arrested after refusing to follow a direct order from the police?
• Question #5: Which contestant is accused of cursing out the arresting officer?

Here are your answers:

• Rolando.  This arrest doesn't sound nearly as good as the one where he "fired a gun next to a man's head," whatever that means.
• Reese.  This reminds me a bit of Elle Woods' triumphant questioning of Chutney about the physics of a permanent wave during the dramatic courtroom scene at the end of "Legally Blonde".
• Reese.  I've got to hand it to her -- haven't you always wanted to say that to a cop?
• Both of them.  This one was too easy.  It was disorderly conduct, after all.
• Rolando.  I've got to imagine that Reese did the same thing.  She's just getting away with it.

My Birthday Present

Even though my birthday's not until June, I just got my present.

This year, Kim decided to surprise me with a painting that shows the view across the water from Fox Point.  Unfortunately, I surprised her by picking up her cell phone a few months ago when it buzzed with a message from our sister-in-law (who just happens to be the artist).  The message said it had a picture attached.  Without thinking, I clicked on the picture.  "Hey," I called out, "Deena just sent you a great picture she painted."

Of course, I wasn't supposed to have seen the picture then.  But, I did.  That's how I ended up hanging it in the kitchen today, a good month-and-a-half before my birthday.  The painting looks great and I love it.  I'm a little concerned, though, that there are going to be a couple family members who may not be big fans of it.  That's because I hung it on the wall that used to hold our montage of family photos.

When we moved into this house, we decided to turn one of the walls in the kitchen into a display of pictures of the kids through the years.  Over time, it grew to hold almost 50 photos.  That wall has always been a focal point.  Whenever someone came into the house for the first time, they invariably were drawn to it.  "Who's that in this picture?" they'd ask.  Or, "How old was so-and-so when this picture was taken?"  And, most frequently, "Wasn't (s)he cute?"

As much as the kids sometimes claimed to embarassed by the picture wall, I'm pretty sure they liked it.  In fact, after the two older ones headed off to college, I noticed that they started paying more attention to it when they're home on break.  So, taking down those photos is probably going to get me in a bit of trouble.

Just in case, I've decided to cover myself.  There's a new photo wall in the house.  You can find it in the basement.

The Best Thing About the Masters

I've realized what I like best about the Masters.  It's not the golf course.  It's not the drama.  It's not the relative lack of commercial interruption.  Nope.  It's the people who chase after the wayward balls that even the best golfers sometimes hit into the trees.

These people fall into three categories:

• First, you have those who just want to get on TV.  When they spot the ball bounding into the trees, they're primary concern isn't getting as close as possible to the ball.  Sure, they'll chase it down like the best of them.  But, what they really want is to be seen by their buddies back home. Before they even get to the ball, they start turning as they run, waving like mad, hoping and praying that the camera will catch them.  You would think that the Masters would attract a slightly higher class patron than the Greenbrier Classic.  But, it doesn't look that way when you consider these guys.
• Second, you have the self-proclaimed golf police.  They're the ones who chase after the ball and, as soon as they get to it, decide that it's their duty to take over.  They start waving their arms, holding people back as if their life depended on it.  You can read the thoughts going through their minds: "Don't these other people know they're not supposed to get too close to the ball?  The world might end if one of these crazies actually touched the ball.  I must keep them all away from it.  The golf gods need me now."  Who are these people?
• Finally, there's the wayward father.  This is the guy who momentarily forgets that he's at the Masters with his young son.  He's easy to spot.  When he sees the golf ball go bounding past him, he immediately starts chasing after it.  About two-thirds of the way there, he stops short, remembering that he just left his seven-year old in the dust.  A few seconds later, you see the little guy come into view.  Dad sheepishly reaches down, awkwardly puts his arm around his son's shoulder, and then half-drags, half-carries his son over to the crowd that's gathered around the ball.  I always feel the worst for this guy.  For one thing, everyone watching on TV saw him abandon his son.  To top it off, he's now on the outside looking in as he's been too slow to get close enough to the ball to get a good view.  Poor guy.

What To Eat When You're Not Eating Chips

After I got my 229 cholesterol reading last fall, I've made one change to my diet -- I've cut out my post-dinner potato chip habit.  It's been hard but I would say I'm down to about two nights a month of binging on chips.  I think that's pretty good.

To be honest, I'm not really sure why I decided I needed to break the potato chip habit.  For one thing, all the bags of chips I've looked at say that they don't even have any cholesterol in them.  But, I needed to do something.  So, in my infinite wisdom, I cut out the chips.

I should feel good about myself, right?  Unfortunately, that's not possible.  You see, I've switched to dessert.  Now that I know I'm not going to treat myself to chips, I've gone right to the sweet stuff.

As I'm typing this, I just finished off my fourth sugar cookie.  Kim made a fresh batch using my mother's recipe earlier today.  When I got home, they were just sitting there on a plate.  Not only did they look pretty good, but there was also only one piece left of the butter creme-filled chocolate roll.

We bought the chocolate roll (two of them, actually) on Saturday.  You see, after Friday's dinner, I asked if we had anything "creme-filled" in the house.  It seemed like a logical question.  Hearing that the answer was "no," I resolved to change that.  So, on our Saturday trip to BJ's, I selected a chocolate roll.  Starting that night, I had a slice -- or two -- of the chocolate roll for five nights straight.  That chocolate roll was pretty darn tasty.  Then again, so were the sugar cookies.

I'm pretty sure there's no cholesterol in either sugar cookies or butter creme-filled chocolate rolls.  If I'm wrong, please don't tell me.  I'm on to something good and I wouldn't want to mess it up.

The Trash Man's Tale

When you turn left out of our neighborhood onto Howard Road, you enter onto a stretch of road that is one of my favorites in western Howard County.  You cross a stream, meander through a wooded section, and then come upon Mullinix Farm on your right.  All in all, it's less than a mile.  But, it's a wonderful reminder of why we moved out here in the first place.  Lately, though, the road has become a mess.  Literally.

All winter, I've watched the amount of trash lining both sides of Howard Road pile up.  I remember commenting in the past about how it always amazed me that I never saw much litter along that stretch of road.  Kim's response was to tell me that was because one of our neighbors used to periodically walk along it, picking up the things that had been thrown out of passing cars.  I didn't know whether that was true or not.  I wanted to believe that everyone passing along the road found it as beautiful as I did and wanted to keep it that way.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.

You see, that particular neighbor moved away last summer.  Ever since, Howard Road has become pretty disgusting.  Everywhere I looked, I saw trash.  Finally, I decided I couldn't take it any more.  That's why I was down there at 7:30AM this morning with a trashbag in my (gloved) hands.  I hoped that a single trash bag would be enough.  Not quite.  After about 200 yards on just one side of the road, I couldn't fit anything else in the bag.  It was jam-packed with soda cans, beer bottles, empty packs of cigarettes, take-out coffee cups, soda fountain cups, fast food wrappers, plastic bags, and candy wrappers.  I'd also found my fair share of random household trash from the few homes that line that stretch of the road.

It completely amazes me that people just throw trash out of their car windows as they drive.  Don't they remember Iron Eyes Cody, the Crying Indian, in that famous "Don't Litter" commercial from the 1970's?  I guess not.  And, if you put your trash out for weekly pick-up and an animal gets into it during the night, don't you think you'd pick it all up the next morning and re-bag it?  Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, I owe my old neighbor a "thank you" for how clean he kept Howard Road for all those years.  I'll try to take it from here.

John Wooden Was Right

John Wooden is famous for being one of the most successful college basketball coaches of all time.  He's also remembered for some of his quotes.  The quote that I kept thinking of today is this one: "The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching."

Tim Pernetti is the athletic director at Rutgers.  Robert Barchi is the president of the university.  Pernetti is the guy who, last November, watched the now infamous video of former Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice pushing, hitting, and kicking his players during practices over the course of the past 3 years.  As if that wasn't bad enough, Rice was also throwing basketballs at players' heads, cursing them out, and using homophobic slurs to belittle them.  So, what did Pernetti do after watching the video?  He suspended Coach Rice for 3 games, fined him $50,000, and required that he go to anger management class.  You know what else I think Pernetti did?  He hoped that no one else would see the video.

Unfortunately for him, the video got out and now we've all seen Rice's despicable behavior.  I watched the tape.  The things Rice does and says to his players are pretty unbelievable.  How Pernetti didn't fire him in November is beyond me.  In fact, it's pretty shocking.

I probably shouldn't be shocked in this day and age at how quickly Pernetti flip-flopped on the issue as soon as it became public.  His behavior today, and that of President Barchi, is really a classic example of poor leadership.  Pernetti and Barchi made a decision in November which they believed to be an easy one.  They decided to keep their coach, sweep his poor behavior under the rug, and hope that it would never come to light.  Then, when they found out we were watching, they immediately caved to the public, fired Rice, and went into damage control mode.

I think we just found out quite a bit about your true character, gentlemen.