When I first got my new shorts from J. Crew, they were for “dress-up only.” That era probably ended around 1995 after I’d been the recipient of a few too many sideways glances regarding my choice of clothes for a given event. You see, I’d been cheating. The shorts were just so darn comfortable that I’d been sneaking them in on weekends to do odd jobs around the house. As much as I tried to keep this a secret, it became apparent to my fashion overseer and, soon enough, the shorts became off-limits for “dress-up.”
That was actually a blessing. Now, the shorts were free to become my every day shorts. When I say every day, I mean every day. Those shorts and I were like a baby and its binky. Together, we painted, cleared wooded areas of the yard, mowed lawns, planted landscaping beds, cut down trees, and spread hundreds of yards of mulch. We cursed Mother Nature when she sent droughts that killed the dogwood and redbud trees we’d planted. We cursed the deer when they ate our azaleas. We cursed the bees when they stung me -- each and every time. We had some good times, too, but I guess we cursed a lot.
By the end of last summer, even I had to admit that the shorts needed to go. The seat was completely worn through on both sides. I actually didn't see this as a problem but often heard otherwise from those who had to look at my underwear. There were gaping holes in both front pockets. The zipper had been up and down so many times that I’d worn through the fly. So, I took a deep breath, choked back my tears, and tossed them.
This summer, I could never get completely comfortable with any of my shorts. I bought two potential replacements from Eddie Bauer a few years back, knowing that I’d eventually need them. I thought they’d help me through the transition but it just didn’t happen. The new shorts are plenty nice but they’re years away from being where they need to be. I’ve thought about running over them with my car or letting Wally and Ginger play a quick game of tug of war with them to try and accelerate the aging process but I can’t bring myself to do that. They need to age naturally.
In any event, pulling on the sweats this year actually feels OK. I’m hoping I’m over my loss by next year. We’ll see.
