You may know that Paolo Gabriele, Pope Benedict XVI's personal butler, was arrested in the spring of 2012 for leaking the Pope's confidential correspondence. What you may not know is that one of those pieces of leaked correspondence was a first draft of the Pope's resignation letter. My friend Paolo, recently pardoned by the Pope, shared that first draft with me earlier this morning, shortly after the news of the Pope's resignation became public. I'm sharing it here with you now for the first time publicly.
My dear brothers and sisters in Christ,
Just yesterday, I received the Sacrament of Penance. I was so excited. It was my first confession in nearly 30 years! You don't even want to know what that last one was all about -- all I can tell you is that it had something to do with Mother Theresa (or Aggie as us guys used to call her).
Anyway, I was in need of the sacrament because I'd taken the Lord's name in vain after accidentally stubbing my toe walking downstairs to have breakfast. I was in a bit of a hurry because it was Sunday. Sunday breakfast is my favorite because I have two hosts instead of just one. I spread a little raspberry jam on each of them. It's so tasty. I was so looking forward to breakfast that I was in a bit of a hurry as I headed down the front stairs. Just two steps from the bottom, I stubbed my big left toe. If only I didn't have to always wear sandals, I don't think it would have hurt nearly as much.
So, there I was, in the confessional booth. After hearing my confession, Monsignor Clemente assured me that God forgave me -- although he still asked that I say five Our Father's and ten Hail Mary's, just to be sure. I'd made it all the way through the first two Our Father's when I remembered that I had papal infallability. "Enough of this nonsense," I thought to myself. "Who the hell does Clemente think he is, asking me to say five Our Father's and ten Hail Mary's just because I yelled out 'God-dang-it' when I hurt my toe? What would he have done?"
That's when it struck me. I'm just a man -- flesh and blood like the rest of you. Yes, every time I go out in public, I'm wearing an unflattering sack dress, but I'm still just a man. And, you know what? It's time for this 85-year old man to live a little. Enough with all this praying. I mean, how much praying can one man do?
So, I've decided to call it a day. Yes, I'll miss the Popemobile, the triregnum, the pastoral staff, and the ring of the fisherman. But, I'm not going to miss that damned pallium one bit. It always gave me a terrible rash.
Humbly yours,
Benedict XVI
Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, and Servant of the Servants of God
This is where the magic happens.
